This Time.

How many times have you said, "This time...?" "This time... it'll be different." " This time, it will work." We've all been there. If only I change it up this time, I'll get the response I was promised. The reaction I have longed for, prayed for, and wept over. The response that my bones ache for. If I do all the things required of me, it'll happen. This time, I'll try harder, give more, be quieter, speak up louder so that this time, I'll get more likes, be accepted, feel more loved, be shown more respect, get those results or that outcome. And yet, it never actually comes. You're not quite enough it seems. Or maybe for that one, you are just a little too much. Perhaps you've considered modifying yourself to fit the image or compromising the vision to fit the mold. The striving to meet the goal, to gain the acceptance or approval is exhausting. It's mind numbing and heartbreaking to consistently adjust so they feel secure enough to function as they ought, instead of focusing on responding to the Father in obedience and confidently being who He has called you to be. The latter is all that we are required to do. Obey. The game playing is counterfeit and counter productive. Comparison and striving are such thieves of joy and can be so incredibly debilitating. They produce fear and inhibit life abundant.

In Genesis 29, we meet two sisters, Leah and Rachel, whose marital fates were radically distorted through great greed of their Uncle Laban. Both find themselves married to the same man who is madly in love with Rachel, the beautiful but barren one. Leah, on the other hand, is said to have "weak eyes" and yet is able to bear children. It is here that the battle for their husband's affection begins... My heart aches for them in such a detestable situation. Both deeply desire what the other has... Leah who so desperately wants to be truly loved by her husband exposes her brokenness, loneliness and desire for fullness in her marriage as she names each of her children. With the naming of her first, she highlights her misery. Then with the second, that she is not loved, and finally, that her empty hopes her husband will now love her as she has given him three sons. She has birthed over and over again what husbands of that time and culture coveted- sons... Certainly, now she has done enough to win him over. Her hopes are quickly shattered when she conceives yet again... Though another son is born with no change, we see her posture shift for a moment as she says, "This time I will praise the Lord."

As we continue to read, the rest of Leah and Rachel's story unfolds and it's evident that Leah does not remain in that place of rest and praise. The back and forth efforts to try to out do one another to win over their husband is atrocious to read. To imagine how wrecked their hearts must have been to continuously strive that their performance might out rank the others. Certainly misery, fear, rejection were taking their toll on Leah. She was certainly looking to her husband for acceptance and fulfillment and to be the one that anchored her soul and confirmed that all was well. But it's that one line that gripped me in the midst of the entire dramatic and broken scene... "This time I will praise the Lord." It's as if for a moment Leah's eyes lift from the wreckage and behold her Father in Heaven who says- You are the apple of my eye. You, my beloved, are exactly as I planned and created you. You, Leah, are what I desire. I pursue not what you produce but I pursue YOU. For a minute, I feel the burden of performance and comparison roll off her shoulders. The lies of ineptitude and insufficiency are silenced and her purpose to please the Lord takes center stage. In that declaration, she repositions herself under the Lordship of her God. Her gaze shifts. What a picture!

Friend, If we could, at every turn, despite what our heart feels or what our circumstances are proclaiming, announce to ourselves and to this world around us... "This time I will praise the Lord." We can do that when our confidence is in who our Father is - faithful, provider, sufficient, protector, defender, advocate, teacher, friend, judge, merciful, and we could go on and on. Bottom line is He is Enough to fully satisfy and satiate our every need. "This time I will praise the Lord" stands as not only a proclamation of worship in words but also in posture. It's a reflection of reverence for the Holy One who is Sovereign, of surrender to the King, a heart prostrate before God that says even so I will still honor you. Even if it does not turn out as I desire, Lord you are still good and worthy of my praise.

Pray with me!

Lord, we worship you for who you are! You are good and worthy of our praise. We thank You that you really are the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End and that You do indeed work all things together for our good and Your Glory. Lord nourish us and keep us in such a way that our eyes and our hearts do not wander seeking fulfillment and affirmation in places that are temporal. Lord set our sights on You who anchors our identity and holds us in the palm of your hand and guard us from reaching for things to prove our worth. May our efforts in this life be the fruit of obedience and not striving as we pursue the good works that You are calling each of us to individually. Thank you that your grace is sufficient for all things! We love you Lord Jesus!

I pray that your "This time I will praise the Lord" be every time. May you steadfastly praise Him with a heart of gratitude in and through it all. He has you. His eye is upon him. Allow the striving to cease and trust Him to be your all.

---

Worship with me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fSVWVYkh2A "The Truth by Megan Woods